I don't meant to bring you down but...

Last night was a typical Monday, like any other. Stephen and I had a pleasant dinner and then we settled on the couch to watch one of our favorite reality shows, TLC's Animal Hoarders. Today's blog is not about animal hoarding but a far more delicate matter... 

ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

Now you're probably wondering, how did I end here? It's quite simple. I hate cable. I mean I really hate it. Why? I dislike commercials. Especially ones that deal with medications.

Please allow me to continue... it's coming...*GRIN* 

We have all seen them, commercials about one ailment or another, some of my favorites include... 

Avoidance Personality Disorder, Bubonic Plague, Canker Sores, Diaper Rash, Equinophobia, Freckles, Genital Warts, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Itching, Jumping Frenchmen of Maine (Yes, it's a real condition)...  

The list goes on and on but you get the idea, I mean we are constantly under assault. We have this or we have that.

So, a commercial about erectile dysfunction came on and all of a sudden I was terrified thinking that with my twilight years already upon me, is this something else I was going to have to deal with?

Joy. 

Not to worry however, there is a medical cure, a simple pill! Take this bit of wonder and you're up and ready to go and go and well... go some more. 

The commercial continued, I heard all their promises. I was going to be able to last longer, go harder and even faster!  My eyes beheld the images of charging stallions, salmons jumping upstream, and the humble barnacle which has an inflatable penis that is up to 50 times as long as its body! 

But can all is be good? I mean come on, there has to be a trade off. Then I heard it, a barely audible voice, masked behind a wall of assurances.

Some of the side effects include, 

• sudden vision loss;
• ringing in your ears, or sudden hearing loss;
• chest pain or heavy feeling, pain spreading to the arm or shoulder, nausea, sweating, general ill feeling;
• irregular heartbeat;
• swelling in your hands, ankles, or feet;
• shortness of breath;
• seizure (convulsions);
• vision changes;
• feeling light-headed, fainting; or
• penis erection that is painful or lasts 4 hours or longer.
  

Less serious side effects may include:

• warmth or redness in your face, neck, or chest;
• stuffy nose, sore throat;
• headache;
• memory problems;
• diarrhea, upset stomach; or
• muscle pain, back pain.
  

This is not a complete list of side effects and others may occur!

Your fucking kidding me... seriously? I may have to go through all that get it up... 

But that's not the best part! Ready for this? Wonder what happens if the medication works just a little too well? 

It's a sure sign you are now suffering from Priapism!

Priapism is a condition that involves a sustained erection beyond four hours. In Greek mythology, the god Priapus was punished for attempting to rape a goddess by being given a large set of useless wooden genitals. The medical condition named after him is highly serious and requires immediate medical care! 

No, really. A four hour erection? You think that may be a bit much? 

Oh another wonderful fact I discovered. Check this out! 

Do not take *BEEEEEP* if you are also using a nitrate drug for chest pain or heart problems. (Ok, not problem I am not that old yet. Yea!) Nitrates are also found in some recreational drugs such as poppers. Taking *BEEEEEP* with a nitrate medicine can cause a serious decrease in blood pressure, leading to fainting, stroke, or heart attack.

A heart attack, seriously, a fucking heart attack? Wait there is even MORE! 

*BEEEEEP* can decrease blood flow to the optic nerve of the eye, causing sudden vision loss. This has occurred in a small number of people, most of whom also had heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or certain pre-existing eye problems, and in those who smoke or are over 50 years old. 

So now I can be having the time of my life with someone and then BAM! I am struck blind all the while having ringing in my ears, a general ill feeling and nausea, the swelling in my hands, ankles, or feet followed by a heart attack!

Does it come in a three or six month prescription, sign me up! 

TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM!